I'm headed to the hospital this afternoon at 3 pm to start the induction process. Today they'll put on the progesterone gel and tomorrow morning I'll start an IV with pitocin, the dread contraction drug. I'm so wound up and confused…this is how I'm feeling right at this moment:
1. Excited to finally meet the baby
2. Happy my mom's going to be here
3. A bit relieved to not be pregnant anymore
4. A bit sad to not be pregnant anymore
5. Very, very creeped out and upset that I'll be induced instead of having a natural birth
6. Worried that it will hurt worse than it could have had it been natural
7. Defensive when people keep saying, "A healthy baby is all that matters," meaning get over your feeling about being induced.
8. Also furious about #7.
9. Scared I'm going to snap her neck or she'll have some congenital disease or something equally horrible.
10. Very irritated and prickly at nothing and everything, off and on.
Probably I should add exhausted to that list. I mean, wouldn't you be if you kept switching back and forth through all that? But I'm too hyper/upset to be tired. This whole process really just creeps me out. Do you know what I mean? That every aspect, even getting a good night's sleep beforehand (via "something to help you sleep," which is just vague and that is also annoying) is planned out and controlled. Did you know that tomorrow if they stopped the pitocin I would stop being in labor? So, technically, we can even control how long the labor will last. It's creepy!!!!!!! I really, really hate it and am totally jealous of the 50 bazillion women who have had natural births. At the same time I'm terrified that if I insisted we wait past the magic 42 week deadline she'll immediately be huge or deformed or start dying. Seriously, this is the kind of thing I've read and been told might happen. So what would you do? Of course, opt for the clinical scary gross birth instead of risk the baby being harmed somehow. Sigh – rock and a hard, sterile place.
And please, no platitudes. Like I said up top, this is my birth experience. It's not just about having a healthy baby – and believe me, I am so anxious and elated to meet her finally and to get to be her mother. Apart from her, though, it's this awesome, personal, feminine experience for me, and I think I'm right to feel sad about having to be induced. Maybe that sounds selfish or overly sensitive and defensive; this is a great example, though, of the crux of feminism as related to motherhood, and I refuse to listen to people telling me to get over it and focus only on the baby.
So, I imagine I'll be absent for a while. I'll be in the hospital at the very least until Thursday, maybe to Friday, and when we get back I'm sure Amos and I will want to spend every moment of the weekend with Hazel and get settled into the house again. He has to go right to work on Monday; actually today is his first day of classes, but of course he's taking the week off to be with us. Us. I can't believe that tomorrow we'll be three! I promise photos ASAP, though, and wish us luck!
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